Please don't use social media to get back at me.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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