I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
