I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
