I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
