I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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