also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
