Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
