I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
