This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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