Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
