I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
