we're chasing vodka with high fives
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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