She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
