I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Sext me about skeletons
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
