both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I could fuck to npr.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
