I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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