So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
