Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I can text with my tongue
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
