my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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