I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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