Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
