you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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