He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
