is your mom at the bar?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
