Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
