This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
