I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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