What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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