I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
