i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I think a kid would responsible me up
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
