If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
