There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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