I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
