his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
