who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
