Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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