but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
