I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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