you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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