Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
