i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just gift wrapped bread.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
