I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
