so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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