At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
