My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm too high and old for this...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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