so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
