So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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