So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
