dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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