so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
